(theo at his bar mitzvah)
this week is yom kippur, the day of atonement in the jewish religion. while i never converted, i am raising my children in the faith of their father (with santa and the bunny thrown in) and i have spent more time in temple than i have in any other religious setting. i have hosted loads of seders, rosh hashana dinners and break fasts (i can cook all of the holiday food, except brisket - my brisket is TERRIBLE - so we have roast chicken instead), i know a fair bit of the prayers, or at least the tunes and i have a general understanding of the fundamentals of the religion.
yom is the holiday that makes me feel like i am being sent to the principal’s office (which never happened to me, but i was always afraid of it. my son, on the other hand, went there at least once a year starting in FIRST GRADE and it barely flapped him which i found flabbergasting.)
on the ride home from school some time in the spring of theo’s first grade year:
T: i went to the principal’s office today.
ME: really? were you delivering something?
T: no… i had to go talk to her.
ME: you were SENT there? you were in trouble?
T: yeah…
ME: wow! that must have been scary… were you nervous?
T: no…
ME: well, you must have felt bad… what did you do?
T: no… it wasn’t a big deal.
ME: it seems like a big deal - theo, i was never sent to the principal’s in my ENTIRE school career… you’re only in first grade.
T: i’m not like you.
ME: well, that’s true.
(theo in first grade - lu is four - i don’t think either of them will ever be afraid of authority…)
on yom kippur you are supposed to think about all of your sins from the past year, resolve not to commit them again and confess them (in your mind, before g-d, not out loud.) it is HARD to think about your sins without also remembering the justifications for them… i regret yelling at my children or threatening to sell them on eBay, but i also regret that they were snarky or rude or disrespectful. i regret eating so much cookie dough and plum cake during the first half of the pandemic, but i also regret that we have all been suffering through this bananas covid situation that has left us (or at least ME, but i think you too!) anxious, grief stricken and socially stunted so maybe that was a necessary coping mechanism? (i have been punished anyway by an unfortunate gain of coronas.) i regret losing track of dear ones who might have appreciated extra love or support the last eighteen months… and again i regret this fucking pandemic. so you see, it is difficult to take responsibility (even though that is what i constantly admonish my children to do. “OWN IT!” i holler at them when they deny their various transgressions - which are very easy for me to identify because they are not mine!) so yom kippur, the most sacred of the jewish holidays, is meant to keep you honest and in check, which of course is a good thing. it can also help you with your extra coronas because you are meant to fast while you are contemplating your sins… but i can’t do that because i get too hungry.
