fifty is a BIG fucking number! i kept thinking i’d get used to it… i’ve actually been telling myself and everyone else that i’m fifty for the last four years, just to give myself some lead time (which has also led to a lot of confusion as i would forget how old i actually was.) but the truth is, i am NOT best pleased about being associated with this enormous number and i am NOT used to it. i wanted to be bouldery and think about all the things i’m grateful for - i get emails from oprah and deepak so i know grateful people are happier people … and i AM grateful for a lot (glitter nail polish, the pacific ocean, my beloved hank, my vacuum cleaner, see’s scotchmallows, boulder’s hot pink sunrises, the brique poulet at ten ten, the doctor in san francisco who got me pregnant, first with theo and then with lucy, the doctor in amsterdam who finally got lucy out of me, the surgeons in amsterdam who stopped my hemorrhage and saved my life, jane austen, fog, the whole of paris, dove soap, pom-poms, my first husband, mint chip ice cream, sheepskins, pompadour chocolate shop, the day’s first cup of coffee, audrey hepburn in “funny face,” the frick museum, my writing group, men’s white, ribbed tank tops, the lights lining the bridges of amsterdam, the bar method, good times drive through, flannel pajamas, my GG’s cursive, macklemore, peppermint tea, white walls, the lazy boy movie theater at the flatiron’s mall, my superstar colorist, rain, oatmeal chocolate chip (notice i DIDN’T say “raisin”) cookie dough, red tulips, the “little house” books, the google maps lady, mahjong, cuckoo clocks, the new bay bridge, sparkly gold hairbands, my incomparable parents, my checkered, slip-on vans, my bed, triple cream brie, my wonderful friends, the seat heats in my car, and of course, my dearest, darling children)…just NOT for fifty. i think i’d rather be fifty-two, already immersed in the decade but not anywhere near sixty… which i don’t imagine i will be grateful for either!