now that we are all spending so much time together, we’ve had to negotiate how to share space, energy, attention and generosity of spirit. it’s become more and more clear that we all have different needs at various times throughout the day and they often don’t coincide.
i want to blast anything macklemore, lucy prefers early michael jackson (particularly “rockin’ robin”) and theo lobbies for the beatles (especially “bungalow bill” from the white album. i always thought it was buffalo bill - but i grew up in an era when you couldn’t google the lyrics.) i like to eat breakfast early and get started on the day, theo wants to brunch and lucy can nibble on her scrambled eggs for hours, which drives me crazy because i want to clean up the kitchen and move on.
(i LOVE him)
(mj’s single released in 1972)
(theo’s favorite)
hank would like to nap ALL DAY, while i am needing frequent walks. (i am still surprised by this as i have never before been particularly enthralled with the nature, which is a big reason i chose to get a lazy frenchie, rather than some energetic lab that needs to exercise. who knew that a global pandemic was coming and i would be setting out on daily hike/walks to try and keep myself sane. we just discovered a new one that is PERFECT - ann u. white trail off of lee hill for the boulders. it’s shady and mellow - i am fine in my vans - runs along a little river so you hear the bubbly water sounds and the air feels cool. it looks like a fairy book in germany and i keep thinking some little elf will drop down out of one of the trees.) lucy prefers to ride her bike and theo doesn’t even want to come outside until dusk, which is his preferred skateboarding hour.
(hank’s favorite activity)
(the lovely new hike we found )
i like everyone to maintain basic grooming routines and my kids say no one knows what they smell like on a zoom call. REALLY??
(both of my children will end up with teeth like these if they don’t start brushing regularly)
our emotional and psychic needs are very different too… my arms are decorated with tiny bruises because my fourteen year old son is constantly punching me when he walks into the room, frequently while saying, “how’s it hanging?” or “s’up fool?” (i had to explain to him that i don’t have anything that hangs, i mean i DO - my dinner lady arms - but not what that expression is referring to - he swore it just meant “how are you?” and we had to google the phrase.) he also just bangs into me and keeps challenging me to wrestle (i TOTALLY kick ass when we do - is it wrong that i am happy that i can still pin my son?) i was getting super annoyed by all of this when it occurred to me that he is treating me like one of his friends. he is clearly missing the way they all used to bump around pre corona and pile onto each other like puppies. so now i try to be a LITTLE more tolerant AND let him win a wrestle here and there.
(theo and i wrestling… he’s the one with the pink hair; photo credit: WWE)
i’ve also realized that my ten year old daughter has NO sense of time. WHATSOEVER. i can tell her that she has half an hour before her zoom piano lesson or dinner or one of our seventeen daily walks, but it doesn’t matter. she is always surprised and unprepared when the new activity is meant to commence. i DO have empathy for her around this… i think it’s just her glitch in the same way that i can literally get lost and totally turned around not just in my own town, but in my own neighborhood. so i am trying to show her more grace too.
and there seems to be some cocooning going on with everyone’s clothing choices. theo has been wearing his father’s pants (that are giant on him) and my sweaters and uggs. lucy is also wearing my sweaters and tanks (that fit her like maxi dresses) with theo’s shorts and sweats. hank has been wearing a lot of lucy’s baby clothes, but i don’t think this is really by choice. somebody gets a big kick out of dressing him up. i am the only one wearing my own clothes (although i DO have one of my father’s big cashmere sweaters that i throw over my jams every morning.) corona comfort dressing i guess. we are spending so much time together already, i am not sure why we need to encase ourselves in each other’s clothes too… corona conundrum.
(hank wearing lucy’s baby jacket)
but at the end of the day (and my days end EARLY - i am NOT a late night girl) i don’t have much left to give. this became abundantly clear the other night when lucy was trying to straighten her bed before getting into it (girl after my own heart!) the comforter was coming out of the duvet cover and she spread it all out on the floor to try and reposition it properly. she was not making much progress and eventually crawled inside to try and reach the corners but got so tangled up in there it was like she was swaddled. we both ended up teary… she because she was unable to complete the task and me because i just wanted to go to bed myself. i did NOT handle it very well, although i DID ultimately remake her bed.
(lucy trying to fix the duvet cover; photo credit: baby beluga)
the next day we had a big talk. i told her that my energy and patience and bandwidth for the day is like a slice of cheese. i get a fresh slice each morning and that’s the best time for me to tackle problems. throughout the day, as i deal with work or cleaning or home schooling or arguing children little bites are taken out of my cheese. by the end of the day, i may only have a tiny corner left or i might not have any remaining at all. so late evening is the worst time for me to manage something difficult (like a tricky duvet cover - that could even push the unflappable alice over the edge.) everyone is different, i said. when do you think YOU have the most cheese? (she is NOT a morning person, nor is she a night owl.) she decided her fresh cheese arrives in the afternoon. my son, however seems to get his cheese at night, like a vampire. this is problematic for me as that is when he wants to have these big, intense conversations and i can barely keep my eyes open.
(ann b. davis as alice)
somehow, the cheese resonated for lu. (i tried it years ago with my first husband and it never really registered with him.) that evening she said, “mama, how much cheese do you have left? can we go outside and pogo and hula hoop?” my heart swelled. the next day when her brother was needling her over lunch she said, “STOP eating my cheese! i need it for my writing assignment.”
week nine of corona was tough for us. lucy had to go to the doctor for her ten year old well visit and despite being masked and gloved, she was really scared to enter the office, especially after she saw that the parking lot was pretty full and there might be a lot of people inside. i realized that she hasn’t been beyond our neighborhood (except a drive to estes park) or inside any other houses or buildings for two months. it was heartbreaking to see her so worried and it made me wonder what this pandemic is doing to the psyches of our children. (we had to go to the good times drive through after her appointment for a fried chicken sandwich [me] and a cheeseburger [her] and strawberry milkshakes [both] to sooth ourselves. that was only our second take out meal and it was AMAZING… we are all so tired of my cooking repertoire.) and then i watched the hearing with dr. bright. when he said developing a vaccine typically takes TEN YEARS i burst into tears. somehow, i’d been telling myself that this quarantine was pretty temporary and regular life would resume by the fall. it is finally registering with me how unlikely that is. masks and home schooling and social distancing and all of this cooking may well be the new normal for a good long time. i’m trying to wrap my head around that … we have to figure out how to better adapt and best use our cheese.
