i’m not going to lie… the last couple of weeks have been completely BANANAS and overwhelming. living through a pandemic alone is pretty unsettling what with the social distancing and the COOKING and the home schooling. then there is the election and all the news that logically i shouldn’t watch because it’s all so crazy but i am the worst kind of rubbernecker where i have it on all the time so i don’t miss anything but really i just want to miss ALL of it. then when we finally got into a home schooling rhythm (which wasn’t smooth by the way - lucy and i both cried over her fractions several times a week. sometimes i had to email her teacher that she was missing the google meet because we needed a minute to collect ourselves and wash our faces and eat some chocolate. PRAISE JESUS that unit is over!) our district announced that the kids are going back - lucy FULL time and theo one day a week. i know the people who manage the schools and these decisions are doing their very best but it felt like a BIG leap to go from nothing to four days a week for lu. of course, i am thrilled that they can do some live learning and i AM relieved that we got through so many months of online schooling and my children are still alive. that was a valid concern for me - EVERY time you read about a mother who drove her kids into a lake, she is ALWAYS a home schooler. 

AND in boulder, we have also been dealing with these wretched fires. our house is a good fourteen miles away from them, but so many dear friends have had to evacuate and the whole situation is terrifying and heartbreaking and the air of course is AWFUL. we are getting snow today so hopefully it will tamp things down and help contain them.

(hoping this blizzard is helpful)

and then jeffrey toobin pulled his pants down on a zoom. WHY??? no one wants to see that! you never hear about women “accidentally” leaving one of their boobs out on a business call (although the first time i flew alone with theo i nursed him during take off - i had this special shirt with a hole in it and i thought when i was done that i had tucked everything back in…. FORTY-FIVE minutes and deep into a conversation with the man sitting next to me later i realized that everything was NOT neatly put away, which was absolutely MORTIFYING so i guess that CAN happen.) anyway - if my friend jake tapper starts flashing i may just have to drive my own self into the lake.

(i LOVE jake tapper)

i also went back to school this fall. last spring the corona brought my business to a standstill and i figured this would be a good time to fill in the holes in my design education. so i have been taking auto cad and the adobe suite: photoshop, illustrator and in design on fridays. these classes are on a live zoom and they are very HARD for me. i am not a natural techie and i have not used a mouse since my first computer in the eighties. the first week i had a big cry and lots of chocolate on the lunch break (lucy wasn’t even home to cry with me so i was suffering alone.) the second week i had a huge sneezing attack (triggered by the smokey air i think.) i sneezed for THREE HOURS straight. i wasn’t sure what the zoom protocol was for that. i have friends who are professors at CU and they don’t like it when their students turn off their videos, but i felt very uncomfortable sneezing and repeatedly blowing my nose on the zoom. i also have a live class in denver on saturdays. i LOVE my saturday class (mind you i could have given birth to every single one of the other students AND the teacher - i am a full on granny in there. we all went for a happy hour after class a few weeks ago and these ladies are so smart and insightful and hopeful. one of them just got pregnant, a couple are newly married and another is adorably in love with her boyfriend who met us there. they are all at that point in life where everything is possible - they can move or travel - after the pandemic - or embark on big adventures. it is so refreshing to be around them - i haven’t spent much time with people this age since i WAS that age and frankly they seem much more together than i remember being - i think i was confused and feeling untethered - like a kite that no one was holding on to - so i am super impressed with my classmates) but it IS a lot more homework than i expected. so much so that i am having to let a few things slide… like the cooking. i am still feeding my children, but now i am an expert at the door dash. i LOVE this! it reminds me of when i was living in new york and you could have ANYTHING delivered. i would regularly order a single strawberry milkshake from the red tomato - amazing! and the laundry has gone off the rails. i’ve been doing it, just not folding it. finally the mountain of clothes reached mount tam proportions and i had to bunker down and get to it. i hate when i let it go like that because it all gets mixed up and pillowcases and socks go missing. this drives me crazy. you would think that pillowcases are big enough that they would stay put, but not so. far too often four cases go into the wash and only three come out… infuriating.

(the first week i had to get a tutor to help me make this crazy shape…)

(now i can make this… so you see how my brain has been pushed way out of its wheelhouse)

(my laundry pile)

finally, i am pretty sure that all of this stress has been getting to hank. a few nights ago he woke me up around midnight and told me he needed to go out. i was surprised because he always sleeps through the night, but i obliged and we went downstairs. he disappeared for a minute - he is very private about his potties - but then he was gallivanting around the garden like he was on a playdate. finally i made him come back in and we went back to bed. a few hours later he told me he needed to go out again. this time i was so tired that i just sent him out of the room and didn’t open the back door for him. this was a mistake. in the morning i found an impressive pile of diarrhea on the floor. i am not the best with bodily functions and it was a miracle that i managed to clean it up without losing my stomach… it was close. i felt terrible that i didn’t listen to him and was in the middle of my apology when i noticed poop smeared on not one but TWO different rugs. hank has never been the best wiper, especially when he is ill. i think he was feeling so miserable after his output that he was trying to find a place to lay down and get comfortable. i had to send both rugs out for cleaning. that day he must have gone out twenty times (as opposed to his usual two or three.) when he would come back in he would shuffle over to me with his bum lifted so i could give him a proper cleaning. i think he was worried about dirtying up anything else. he is thoughtful like that. but he did not seem to be getting better even after i gave him a fair bit of pumpkin which is supposed to sort out tummy problems. the vet said i should bring in a “fecal sample” for analysis. so on his next trip out i had to follow him into the lilac bushes (his location of choice.) he was looking at me over his shoulder like, “what the fuck? give a man some privacy!” but i wanted to make sure i picked up the correct sample so i stood my ground. ultimately, the vet said there were no “intestinal worms or parasites” which is good, but does not explain why he was sick. i am sure he has also been watching too much CNN and it got to him. he is now on a round of antibiotics to reset his system and i think he is feeling much better. i am also limiting his TV time.

(hank’s bum [and louie’s] in happier times)

(hank recovering on the sofa)

which leads me to my BEST tip for you all… heather cox richardson’s column. my neighbor shared her writing with me and it has been a life line. everyday she breaks down the news in a really thoughtful, calm manner that makes it much easier to process. i don’t know how she manages to both synthesize it and write each day but she does. her posts typically come out sometime after midnight - which is perfect for me because i wake up stressed around three and read her post and am able to go back to sleep. she is getting me through 2020.

* update on the laundry - i finally found both the pillowcase AND the missing sock - the sock was inside the pillowcase… i think this might be a sign that better things are coming… fingers crossed! x0x

to read more of my thoughts on corona click here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here