in the late 90’s, my boyfriend and i came home to my chelsea apartment a bit tipsy. there was an awful smell in the hallway of my building and i lamented the fact that i was forced to hold my breath or pass out from exposure. in typical “only in new york” style, where more desirable housing options often escalated relationships, my boyfriend suggested i move in with him. we did not discuss it further that night, but in the morning i asked him if his offer was serious.
“yes,” he said… “my hallways never stink.”
“well, do you want to marry me?” i was not about to give up my rent-controlled, one bedroom in chelsea on a whim, even if it did have an unfortunate smell in the hallway periodically.
“well… i was just asking you to move in… i wasn’t proposing.”
“i know, and i really don’t want to get married right now. (i really didn’t - much more than an engagement ring, what i wanted most in the world was the perfect dresser to hold all the things my new york closet couldn’t fit) but i can’t give up my apartment, if you can’t imagine getting married some day.”
“yes,” he said. “i can imagine marrying you some day.”
“all right… do you want to have kids?”
“yes, i want kids… some day.”
“okay… well, i can’t give up christmas and easter (my boyfriend was jewish.)”
and that was the beginning of the conversation that cemented the fact that the holidays would always be exhausting because we decided to raise these imaginary children in the jewish faith with santa and the easter bunny thrown in. and then, before they were even born, we moved to amsterdam, where we added sinterklaas into the mix.
so this year, like every other, (even though we are no longer married, despite our early negotiations - i DID eventually find a perfect dresser from bludot) we lit candles and ate latkes and dreideled and opened presents for eight nights. we put our shoes out on december 5th for sint and the petes to fill with candy. we decorated the tree and the house with menorahs and snowflakes and mistletoe. we wrote out holiday cards and baked and frosted and sprinkled and delivered loads of cookies and four gingerbread houses. we tried to stay on our best behavior because we are observed not only by the elf on the shelf and his new girlfriend, but by santa and sint as well. and then we traveled to california for christmas (and grandma’s famous sticky buns) and back to boulder for new year’s week. and now we are a bit exhausted, but we survived!
we suffered a few mishaps along the way… hank got ahold of the wooden shoes and gave them a good, muddy knawing in the back yard. he also dismembered a few snowmen and angels and nutcracker ornaments - i collected their remains before lucy could see them because she gets REALLY mad with him. then we all got matching pajamas and hank’s were too SMALL (even though they are a medium!) he looks like a porn star with the front all (necessarily) unbuttoned and his hairy chest bursting out. and then hank hurt my feelings when i dropped him off at boarding school… he just ran off without a proper good-bye… maybe he was getting me back for the skin tight jams? and lucy got a big ear infection so we had to extend our time in california because she couldn’t fly. theo bravely carried on and made his first solo flight back to colorado (we carefully cased the waiting area for weirdos) so he wouldn’t miss a ski trip with my old boyfriend. and like every year, we ate too many sweets and stopped making green smoothies and barely made it to the bar method, even though there was a big contest and i LOVE winning socks in the big contests. so we are definitely exhausted, but we survived… HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
