(here is my mother checking under the hood of her friend’s car in college)

periodically, everything needs a tune-up… your car needs the oil changed, the filters need to be replaced on your HVAC, the dryer vents need to be flushed out, you are due for a bikini wax… our nervous systems also need check ups and repair. the summer after my divorce i went to a retreat at the chopra center to work on restoring my psyche, which was pretty much a mess. i learned LOTS of helpful things like how to meditate (who is better equipped to teach that than deepak?), the benefits of green smoothies, yoga and gratitude and how detrimental refined sugar is, possibly worse than crack!

upon return, i promptly purchased a vitamix from costco so i could make kimberly snyder’s smoothies that are chock full of good stuff and consumed by celebrities around the world (they are also supposed to give you a glowing complexion.) i started writing in a gratitude journal each morning and i tried to develop a meditation practice. i didn’t really give up or even reduce my sugar intake (i just can’t believe it is worse than crack.)

over time, my good routines have waned a bit as i got busier with work and life stuff. but this fall i’ve needed to take stock and pause. my father is slowing down, while my son is in his final year of high school. the two most important guys in my life who i LOVE with everything i’ve got are at very different crossroads. all i want to do is spend time with my dad and at the same time, all i want to do is be with my son during his last year at home… they are not in the same state. i am the baloney right now in my family’s sandwich (my sweet girlfriend, emily, helped me realize that!)

(me and my dad when i am about ten years old)

(me and theo when he is about ten)

(there i am… right in the middle!)

as such, i have decided to drastically prioritize. i am working far less (any potential client who gives me “pain in the popper” vibes is promptly declined) because i need to be nimble. i don’t want to be stuck in boulder for a carpet install when i really want to be in california with my dad or helping my son with his college applications. i am also trying to give myself an internal tune up. i’m making sure that i move regularly (even though i live in the exercise capital of the world, i’ve realized that the only classes i can get myself to do with any consistency are bar method ones. unfortunately, our local bar closed down during the pandemic so i am doing virtual classes when i’m in boulder and taking live ones in berkeley when i visit my dad.) i’ve upped my smoothie intake, decreased my buttered toast and really tried not to eat so much candy. (this has been the HARDEST accommodation i have made. i like something sweet after every meal, even breakfast, and typically pop a handful of chocolates in my mouth after my scrambled eggs, turkey sandwich or meatloaf. my favorites, of course, are scotchmallows, but i can only get those when i am in california or at DIA. other times i have lindor balls because those are available at safeway. but i am not above halloween candy in a pinch.)

(scotchmallows are just DELICIOUS!)

(these chocolate balls are pretty good too)

i have been really good about writing in my gratitude journal… in addition to noting the things i am grateful for, i list three tasks to complete that will make my day feel good. somehow, when i write these things down, i’m more likely to do them. lately, i have been including “meditate” on my list. this is also difficult for me. my mind wanders all over the place… i start thinking about the best way to clean a throw rug or how to word a looming email or what to have for lunch. i DO have a mantra they gave me at the chopra center that i have been carrying around in my wallet. so i try repeating that in my head in order to push the meatballs or new shoes out. i’ve also found that if i sit right next to my darling hank and try to sync my breathing to his even, unbothered, but noisy exhales it really helps me focus. the good news is, i HAVE been feeling a little calmer and more settled. i think i’ve even been more patient with my kids (or maybe it’s just that i recently rewatched “mommie dearest” and realized that on my worst days i am a MUCH better mother than joan crawford. i DO empathize with her compulsive cleaning, but i have never MADE a mess that i blamed on my kids, especially not with a terrifying face mask on. i have never thrown a lamp at them (i HAVE doused the big one in water) or beat them with a wire hanger, although i don’t allow them in my home either. after i pick things up from the dry cleaners, all of the packaging, including the hangers, goes right in the bin.) regardless, the older i get, the more i understand that our insides need just as much attention and care as our outsides. x0x

(NO ONE is better at breathing and sleeping than hank!)

(here is mommie right after she finds the wire hanger and right before she tosses comet ALL OVER the blue bathroom behind her and makes her daughter clean it up… she is particularly HORRIFYING with the white face mask and blood red lipstick!)