(hank at the start of his birthday party… i don’t think he was best pleased about the hat!)

hank just turned THREE years old (twenty-one in dog years.) we were feeling very remiss as last september we did not have a proper party so we wanted to make sure we celebrated even though we’re in the middle of a pandemic.

(hank at his 1st birthday party… a temperate, daytime affair)

i got him some new toys, a couple of bags of greenies treats (which also brush his teeth) and the coup de grace - a BIG chicken flavored nyla bone. 

since he was turning twenty-one we decided to have an evening party. of course the bars are closed for the corona but we turned macklemore up on the sonos and had a dance party before giving him his presents. hank was VERY excited about his new bone - circling and pouncing on it like it was alive. i was proud of myself for nailing his gift, but soon got distracted dancing to glorious with lucy. (theo doesn’t dance full out with us anymore, but he periodically starts hopping around while doing the dolphin move from tiktok.)

(macklemore and his grandma celebrating her 100th birthday in the “glorious” video)

eventually hank pooped out and fell asleep in the corner. lucy and i were cleaning up the party when she yelled out, “LOOK mama! hank threw up on the carpet!” sure enough, there were two sizable vomits on the persian rug and in the middle of one was a big chunk of the nyla bone. i couldn’t believe it… hank is ALWAYS very careful to throw up on the hard wood floor (where it is easy to clean up) he is a gentleman like that. AND i didn’t think he could eat the bone - i thought it was a chewy one. 

(hank passed out on the floor… he couldn’t even make it up to the sofa…)

i felt terrible that hank’s birthday ended with him getting sick. clearly he had overdone it (as most twenty-one year olds do!) so i gave him some preventative advil in anticipation of his morning after headache and gently put him to bed with a big bowl of water nearby as he was surely dehydrated. 

i could tell he was seriously hungover the next day because he slept in way later than usual and was very sluggish. plus he asked for a greasy cheeseburger and fries for breakfast, which i think he intuitively knew would soak up the remaining toxins in his little body. clearly his liver was working double time. he spent the entire day napping on the sofa (which isn’t totally out of character) and sipping gatorade. 

(hungover hank)

i knew he was finally back to normal a day or so later when he invited louie over to play with his new green ball. i am hoping he learned something from this experience and will moderate his consumption in the future. now that he is an “adult” i can’t always be there to monitor his choices. (i DID tell him that he can always call me if he is in an uncomfortable or dicey situation and i will come get him - no questions asked.)

(hank and louie playing tug of war with hank’s birthday ball)

and we DO need to talk about his future. with the pandemic, he is taking a “gap year” and has not continued his education, but this can’t go on indefinitely. as far as careers he may be a bit limited… i can’t imagine him as a guard dog because he doesn’t bark and even if he did, he is not the least bit intimidating. he might not be the best service dog either as i don’t think he is tall enough to see all the approaching dangers and obstacles when walking around - plus he really pulls on the leash. the most obvious professional path is that of a super model because he IS so handsome. he would have to skip all the catalog work and go right to the level of “i don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day” a la linda evangelista because he is a bit of a diva and doesn’t listen very well. he will need an assistant and a lot of handlers to get him to the shoots on time and maybe a palanquin and some lifters for the times when he doesn’t feel like walking (which is ALL the time.) 

(linda - OG supermodel from the 90’s; photo: getty images)

(hank on the way to his vogue cover shoot; photo: cnn/getty images)

i do know that he won’t end up just camping in my basement playing Xbox for an eternity like his gen Z cohorts (mostly because i don’t have a basement.) but i CAN imagine him planning to spend the rest of his life on my sofa. as much as you think you are going to treat all of your children the same, isn’t there always one who gets away with everything and isn’t forced to live up to the expectations of the others?

(baby hank at his 6 month birthday celebration)

to read more about hank click here or here or here