corona hank
hank has had it with corona. he REFUSES to go on walks now. i can hardly get two blocks with him, let alone all the way to the lake that it took so much effort for me to learn how to find. when i put his leash on he’ll maybe get to the corner and then just lay down all spread out so he’s completely planted. even with his svelte new figure, he is far too heavy for me to carry (i am lazy too!) so i have to stand there and coax him with ice cubes (it’s already blazing here in boulder, even though we had loads of snow just weeks ago.) and this goes on… walking half a block, him laying down, me waiting and begging, walking another half block, him laying down and me waiting and begging and then finally me saying, “all right, do you want to go home?” at which point he pops up and RUNS at a clip all the way there. i know now that he speaks perfect english, as well as his native french. so i have to go on dog walks without my dog… and when i pass people they all ask after him (he is quite well known in our neighborhood) and they are clearly disappointed that it is only me.
(hank determined not to walk any further)
i think he might also be feeling a bit crowded in the house with all of us home. i had been thinking of getting rid of his crate pre corona, but i’ve noticed him retreating there A LOT the last few weeks. he and lucy have a pretty intense relationship… she loves BIG, but she also gets VERY angry and even though hank is a dog, he is not exempt from this. last week he jumped on her bed with muddy paws and she was furious. “HANK, i am not like mama and i won’t just say it’s okay bubby (in a terribly saccharine voice) because it’s NOT. you will get some CONSEQUENCES!” i don’t know who she sounded like but she was fierce and a little scary. then two days ago she left her new birthday stuffy on the sofa. hank grabbed it and ran outside (unfortunately it had just rained) dragging it all around the yard with him. poor stuffy was pretty muddied up. i meant to wash it before lu could see it, but she likes to leave the tags on and i wasn’t sure how to clean it without putting it in the machine. of course she saw it before i sorted that out and her enraged howl was like no other. i spirited him away to my bedroom to keep him safe until she calmed down. she treats him more like a sibling than a pet, which seems unusual. at any rate, i think he still needs his crate to escape to.
(hank and lu on a brighter day… but he still looks a little apprehensive)
he has also been exposed to some disturbing corona sights that may have damaged his psyche a bit. like most of vain america, during quarantine i have been coloring my own hair. unlike my superstar colorist, liz, (who i miss like crazy) i do not have a light hand with this, especially on my eyebrows. after i paint the color on, i have to wait forty-five minutes for it to set before washing. during this period, the color gets increasingly intense and clownish looking, especially the brows. the first time i did it hank came with me to the bathroom. since i didn’t have any snacks, he promptly fell asleep on the bathmat. when he woke up the color was fully set and i was about to step into the shower. he was so startled by my appearance that his giant eyes expanded even more and he went and hid under the bed for a good while. who knows how that kind of trauma will effect him long term? he stayed away during the other two coloring sessions. the second time i did it in the afternoon. i kind of forgot how funny i looked and started prepping dinner while it was setting. it was blizzarding out and i heard a knock at the door. i looked out the window and one of lucy’s girlfriends was standing there waving. i completely panicked and ran upstairs without even opening the door to see what she wanted. WHO does that to a nine year old child in a snow storm? (not only did i have to explain my poor behavior to her mother, but when lucy figured out i hadn’t told her her dear friend was on our porch i was subjected to her wrath as well.) last week i decided to do it first thing in the morning so that i wouldn’t have to worry about anyone stopping by. lucy and i were eating breakfast during the “setting” and all of a sudden the yard guys arrived with some plantings - unfortunately, they never give any notice. i would have run upstairs again but they had no idea where to put them so i HAD to go talk to them with my insane eyebrows and hair, in my pajamas. MORTIFIED, i tried to explain what i had been doing. they all kept straight faces, which was incredible. i, myself, am an inappropriate laugher (most notably when my children are injured) so i was truly impressed. they DID come back later with some extra mulch and i made a point of going out to talk to them again with my “normal” eyebrows and hair and actual clothes, rather than jammies, but i’m sure the damage had been done. next time i think i will set my alarm and color my hair in the middle of the night so i don’t traumatize anyone else.
(i can’t believe i’m posting this, but it was hard to explain how BANANAS i looked… hoping my fiancé doesn’t see this)
hank also does NOT share space very well. he stands his ground when i am trying to do my corona bar class via facebook live on “his" living room rug. he doesn’t make any room and settles himself right under me during the push ups or the plank. sometimes he even starts licking my face or sniffing my arms which really tickles. so exercising at home has been a bit fraught. my children don’t help either… they stand over me giggling and make fun of my new two pound weights (only slightly more impressive than my previous cans of corn and tomatoes) that just arrived from amazon. they mock my form and flap my dinner lady arms. i MISS being in the bar studio where the teachers are cheering you on or maybe threatening you, but never humiliating you.
(this is how he looks at me when i want to share the rug)
and hank is having trouble with all the extra cleaning. he’s never appreciated the vacuum (one of the few things we disagree on) but i’ve also taken to blasting the sonos when i’m disinfecting the house. i’ve been fixated on carly simon (playing “you’re so vain” on repeat - i don’t know what that’s about), blondie and eminem and with his giant bat ears i think the volume must be overwhelming. he runs upstairs and bunkers down under my bed when the music comes on, poor popper.
(you’re so vain… amazing lyrics)
(there’s no one cooler than debbie harry)
(this anthem totally holds us!)
there WERE a few bright spots this last week… i found a brand new pair of sweatpants shoved in the back of a drawer. they are NOT flattering (which is probably why they were buried so deep) but they are sweatpants nonetheless and my collection is now expanded to TWO pairs… PRAISE JESUS.
my girlfriend sent me a memoir (“everything is under control” by phyllis grant) written by a fellow BERKELEY girl who also lived in new york in her twenties… i didn’t know her growing up, but so enjoyed this jewel of a book that i read it straight through in one sitting. her stories are so clear and poignant and honest.
(GREAT read!)
and my boyfriend (govenor cuomo) announced in an interview that he is “eligible” … i can only imagine that he said that just for me so i am going to pick up some bridal magazines for inspiration the next time i go to the safeway. i was a little worried that this whole relationship might only be in my head (like lorna from orange is the new black who has erotomania - the delusion that her victim is in love with her.) but i am totally reassured that he is just as invested now. i can’t wait to meet captain, his dog, to see if i pass muster. i know captain does not care for one of the boyfriends quarantining with him, but i can’t imagine he won’t like me. and everyone loves hank, except sometimes lucy.
(yael stone as OITNB’s lorna morello)