every year, we send out a holiday card featuring the kids smiling and laughing together. they DO laugh and smile together pretty frequently, but hardly ever when we are shooting these photos. 

“FEO, FEO” lucy (when she had no teeth) yelled downstairs in alarm a few years ago, “the christmas clothes are out… i fink we have to do the card today!” then a series of loud groans as they commiserated together.

i can be a bit controlling, so yes, i pick out their clothes for the christmas card. after working as  a wardrobe stylist for years, i just have a few rules: no logo tees, no clashing colors, prints that work together, a simple background and no fake smiles. this can be a tall order and i am a bit abashed to say that i have made one or both (usually both) children cry every year during the holiday card shoot. i DO bribe/reward them after with doughnuts or mini golf or a movie at the theater with lazy-boy seats (then i can take a nap because i am always EXHAUSTED after forcing my children to smile naturally.) i like the photos to look like i just happened to catch them when they were having a completely organic belly laugh, while wearing coordinating outfits, sitting in front of a neutral background. there is typically a lot of tension during these shoots as one child will be cooperating while the other is not and then they will switch roles. after each series of shots, i run into the house to download the images and see if i “got” it… they wait with baited breath. inevitably, i come back out several times and tell them we have to try again.

one year was particularly hard on them because we waited until deep into november to take the pictures. the first attempt was thwarted when the light faded too quickly the afternoon i set aside for the shoot. we were in a bit of time crunch because i still had to get the cards printed and shipped, so i woke them up at the crack of dawn the next day to get it done BEFORE school started. neither of my children are “morning people” AND it was REALLY cold (so cold that smoke was coming out of their mouths when they breathed) AND they were both in short sleeves because those were the outfits i had selected. they were goose-bumped and crying a bit (which made it take longer because i didn’t want them to have red eyes, as i am not very skilled at photoshop.) so i taught them every gnarly swearing song i know to yell at me between shots and make them laugh, like:

“mother f*cker, t*tty s*cker, two-balled b*tch” and “tough t*tty, said the kitty when the milk went dry.”

remember those? they also came up with some pretty shocking, creative strings of swears on their own that they were quite gleeful about shouting at me. we finally got a decent picture and i don’t think you can tell that their teeth were chattering… “m-m-m-mother f-f-f-f*cker…”

this year, i was really worried about how we were going to get the picture done, because this year we also had hank. getting two kids to smile and look relaxed despite being told exactly how to pose is hard enough… throwing a puppy in there too seemed impossible. i couldn’t imagine the bribes and swears that would have to be on offer to get a proper photo. but this year we got it done in TEN MINUTES! (i will say, i don’t think it’s the most flattering picture of hank. he looks gigantic… we are still a little sensitive about his weight. i believe it’s because he’s in the foreground, a tough angle for anyone.) this year, they FINALLY realized that if they just did exactly what i said and didn’t cry, it would be over in no time (i wish they would make this a general policy!) we actually made it to the lazy-boy theater with time for a double feature… a christmas miracle!

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