hank is on a diet. we took him to the vet a few weeks ago because he had a weird boo boo on his lip and the vet told me he should have a waist. he was thirty-two pounds. i WAS wondering how big he ought to be because his dad is only twenty-six pounds. six pounds more on someone the size of a breadbox does seem like a lot, but i HATE diets. the vet asked me how much i was feeding him and i replied, “3/4 cup of kibble with water and a spoonful of wet food twice a day, like the breeder told me to do.” (i didn’t mention all the treats and extras that i gIve him throughout the day… just like when you fill out those forms at the doctor’s and they ask you how frequently and how many glasses of wine you drink…who is ever truly honest then?) “yes,” said the vet, “but that was when he was a puppy. now that he is over a year, he is a regular dog and that’s too much.” i still consider hank a puppy - his first birthday was just in september. also, it doesn’t really make sense to me that as he gets bigger, he should have less food. i feed my kids way more food now that they are eight and twelve, than i did when they were babies… bigger kids, bigger portions. i guess that’s not how it works with dogs. and it never occurred to me to alter how much i feed hank because i am a rule follower. the breeder gave me a big binder with all kinds of instructions about how to take care of hank and i have been following it (mostly) to a tee.

when my first baby was born, we were living in amsterdam. the dutch government provides every new mother in the netherlands with a “kraamzorg” or baby nurse for the first ten days or so. our kraamy, gaby, was amazing. she taught me how to nurse theo, how to bathe theo, how to swaddle theo and how to get him on a schedule. she was there to reassure me when his belly button fell off and when he got these alarming red bumps that she said would go away in a day or so (she was right!) she also cooked delicious, healing meals, fed me loads of protein snacks (cashews and dried apricots and beet juice and smoothies) and made sure i didn’t get overwhelmed with visitors so i could rest. gaby said i should sleep and lay down as much as possible… if i wasn’t laying down i should be sitting. i LOVED having gaby around…i cried for days after she left and i still check in with her twelve years later. of course, even after her time with us was over, i tried to do everything gaby said. 

when theo was nine weeks old, we all flew to palm springs because my first husband had a work trip and theo and i decided to get in on the boondoggle at the parker hotel. i was a wreck about an eleven hour flight with a tiny baby and packing all the stuff that gaby said theo would need. of course, all of our bags made it, except theo’s. in the end, everything was fine because we were in america, where there are cars and targets and starbucks so we could replace everything crucial. theo’s godmother lives in la and she drove up to meet him in palm springs. she was so happy to have a cuddle with theo, but was concerned about how bundled up he was. “jen, you might want to take his hat off and get him out of that swaddle and let his feet get some air so he doesn’t get overheated.” 

“well, gaby said he should always have a little hat on, since he doesn’t have much hair and that i should keep him nice and warm.”

“yes, but gaby said that when you were in amsterdam in january. now you are in palm springs and it’s 94 degrees…”

thank goodness for the godmother, an experienced mama who already had two babies of her own, or theo would probably still be hopping around in a big swaddle with a beanie on.

so the vet said i should reduce hank’s kibble to 1/2 a cup, twice a day. that is ONE THIRD less food. i’m trying to think of it as the french women don’t get fat diet where he is just eating less, but still enjoys a chocolate with his coffee… so i am giving him treats, just not as many. he is definitely not happy about this diet. he started compulsively chewing the front doorstop, like a boulder mom on a juice fast madly chewing gum. he also chomped up my slippers, which i decided to surrender to him since he looked like he was having so much fun dragging them around. he gobbled on my reading glasses and the new remote and he started licking the lotion off my ankles, post shower… clearly he is STARVING! who likes the taste of lotion?

in addition, i’ve been trying to walk him more. now we go straight up the hill towards the mountains, all the way to third street, (sometimes just fourth - we live on seventh so it’s still THREE uphill blocks.) for some reason, the mountains in boulder start at third, rather than first street - there is no first at all. we don’t like to get IN the mountains really, because it’s dusty in there and there are rattle snakes and bears and mountain lions roaming around. so we make a hard right and stay on the sidewalk and do a little loop. we had to alter our path a bit because there is another frenchie nearby who is in REALLY good shape and regularly goes on hikes up sanitas. we don’t really like the body size comparisons and we are getting a little sensitive about all the “friendly” comments like, “wow - he’s a real chunker!” the other frenchie’s dad asked me why i don’t take hank up sanitas. “well, i can’t do that because i’ve never been up sanitas… i don’t do that.” i answered. i have been partway up this goat trail with a girlfriend and her little three-legged dog. we got to this area where there are two big thrones made out of rocks so you can sit and enjoy the view. it was lovely, but when we were going down another hiker warned us to keep the dog close because there was a mountain lion who had taken up residence in the bushes near the trail. that was enough for me. besides, the whole reason i got a frenchie (beyond the fact that they are ridiculously cute and have hilarious personalities) is that they are described as “apartment” dogs who don’t need a lot of exercise and shouldn’t exercise vigorously, especially when it’s hot, because they overheat easily…. good thing i never swaddled hank!

we have now been dieting hank for twenty-nine days (except on his birthday… everyone should have a little cake or bacon on their birthday. and yes - i AM one of those crazy dog people who threw their dog a party…hank had a joint one with his girlfriend, ellie, and all the neighborhood puppies came.) i think he has a bit of a waist now, but it’s hard to say. i can’t weigh him properly because the batteries in my scale are out. i find it highly ironic that as someone who has avoided diets my entire life, i will probably be dieting hank in perpetuity… he is a naturally decadent little fellow.

* this week the temperature in boulder dropped 40 degrees… it smells like cow poo outside, which for some reason, is an indication that it will snow soon. as my neighbor pointed out, the cold weather will be tough on hank’s exercise regime… i may have to get him a treadmill, like astro’s, since he doesn’t like going out in inclement weather…

hank, not walking, last winter.

to read more about hank’s diet click here